For Women Who Have Been Abused By Another Women
Produced by the Coalition Against Lesbian Sexual Assault and Domestic Violence
1 in 10 women have intimate and/or sexual relationships exclusively or primarily with women.
In addition to this, there are a large number of women who have intimate and/or sexual relationships with other women at some time in their lives.
We may choose to name our sexuality and/or lifestyle. We may choose to call ourselves lesbian, gay, dyke or bisexual.
We may choose not to name our sexuality and/or life style.
We are a diverse group. We differ in
Our sexuality and/or lifestyle may be
Violence against women by women is a crime.
Women who have relationships with women want to believe that our relationships don't have the same problems as heterosexual relationships. We want to prove to ourselves, and to the broader community, that our relationships are supportive, equal and non-violent. The reality is that some lesbian/bisexual women choose to be abusive to other women. The refusal to acknowledge that reality contributes to the shame, secrecy, isolation and lack of support that victims/survivors of violence perpetrated by women experience.
Women who choose to have relationships with other women have a right to choose their sexuality, and a right to live and love free of violence.
Violence is any behaviour which is adopted by a woman to control you. It causes physical, sexual or emotional/psychological damage. It causes you to live in fear.
The abuse can be:
Verbal
Shouting, calling you names, making put-down comments about your age, ability, ethnicity, culture or physical appearance, using language in a way that excludes you etc.
Emotional/psychological
Making you do things you don't want to do through manipulation, threatening suicide as a way of controlling your behaviour, using silence or withdrawal of contact as a way to hurt or control you, criticizing your form of lesbianism/sexuality, withdrawing emotionally or sexually as a way of controlling your behaviour, trying to strereotype you, destroying or threatening to destroy your property as a way of hurting or controlling you, manipulating your child as a way of controlling you, threats of violence against you, your children or your pets etc.
Physical
Hitting, pushing, biting, throwing objects, using a weapon, holding or stopping you from leaving, drugging you, deliberately stopping you from sleeping, abandoning you in dangerous places, subjecting you to dangerous driving, withholding medication, refusing to help you when you when you're sick or pregnant … or deliberately doing anything to hurt you.
Sexual
Making put-down sexual remarks about you or other women, treating you like a sex object, forcing you to have sex against your will, calling you names like "whore" or "frigid", bragging about her sexual behaviour in your presence, forcing you to watch sexual acts that make you feel uncomfortable, putting you down about what you want/like sexually, forcing you to have sex with others when you don't want to, using sex as a way to hurt or belittle you, not stopping when you want her to or when you say the safe word (for example "Stop") … or forcing or manipulating you into any sexual activity that you don't feel comfortable with.
Social
Stopping you from going out, stopping you from contacting your friends or family, isolating you by locking you in the house/cutting off the phone, threatening to out you to family, friends or work, making you socialize with people you don't feel comfortable with, humiliating you in public, not letting you go out without her, being verbally abusive to people you care about, spreading rumours about you etc.
Financial
Stealing your money, controlling shared finances, putting bills in your name, withholding money as a way of controlling your behaviour, selling your property or shared property etc.
Harassment
Repeated unwanted attention, following you, ringing you repeatedly at home or at work, stalking you, sending you continuous letters, making sexual remarks about you, not letting you pass, hanging around your home, work or where you go out etc.
MYTH:Women do not abuse
FACT:Women are capable of abuse. Women can and do rape, bash, manipulate, harass and
hurt other women.
MYTH:Women relationships together have equal power.
FACT:There is a potential for power differences in all relationships; and some women
choose to use their power over another woman.
MYTH:"It's something about me … I drive her to it"
FACT:Nothing you say or do justifies her abuse. You are not responsible for her
choice to be abusive.
MYTH:"She just gets really angry and loses control"
FACT:Anger is an emotion. Violence is an action. She makes a choice about what she does
with her anger.
MYTH:"But sometimes I hit back - doesn't that mean that I'm just as abusive?"
FACT:There is a difference between abuse and self-defense. Abuse is an act to gain power
or to hurt you. Self-defense is an act to protect yourself or remove yourself from a physical attack or threat. Fighting
back against abuse is not mutual battering.
MYTH:Violence is just part of how some women's relationships work.
FACT:Violence is not a feature of a relationship. It is a choice made by one woman within
the relationship. By choosing to be abusive, she maintains the power difference in the relationship. The woman being
abused will often change her behaviour in am attempt to avoid the abuse, but it is not something that she can control.
MYTH:She asked for it … She was drunk … She looked the type.
FACT:No-one asks to be raped or sexually assaulted. Women have a right to choose whether
or not they want to engage in any sexual activity. They have this right regardless of where they are, what they are
wearing or how they are behaving. Blaming the victim allows the abuser to deny responsibility for her own behaviour.
MYTH:She was new on the scene and needed to be taught.
FACT:Women have the right to have control and to choose how they develop their own
sexuality. Forcing or coercing a woman into sexual behaviour that she doesn't want is an act of violence. What women
new to the scene need, and have a right to, is a safe environment and respect for their sexual choices.
MYTH:Some women like rough sex, so forced sex is part of what they do.
FACT:Wanted sex involves women of equal power choosing to participate in whatever sexual
activities they feel safe and comfortable with. Some women may choose sexual activities that seem "rough" or "strange"
to other women. Freely making these choices is completely different to being pressured or forced into unwanted sexual acts.
… Or anything else that denies her responsibility
THERE IS NO EXCUSE
VIOLENCE IS A CRIME
VIOLENCE IS A CHOICE
DENIAL
GUILTY
FRIGHTENED
HELPLESS/HOPELESS
ISOLATED
FEAR OF BEING ALONE
FAILURE
LOSS OF TRUST
WORTHLESS
CONFUSED
NUMB
ANGRY
SAD
YOU'RE NOT ALONE
These women have been through it too:
"The one place I thought I was safe from this kind of stuff, but I was wrong - now I'm questioning my sexuality."
"Double jeopardy … first my father, now my lover."
"I survived, and I'm proud to be a lesbian."
You have the right
TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS
Listen to what your body is saying - butterflies in your stomach, sweaty palms, shaking, goosebumps,
feeling sick and dizzy etc.
These may be warning signs that you are not feeling safe in a situation. You're not being paranoid or irrational. It's O.K. to act on them - it's O.K. to run, scream, hide or do whatever feels right.
DO WHATEVER MAKES YOU FEEL SAFE
This depends on the situation you are in, what options are available to you, what you feel comfortable
about doing, what you think will work etc.
Your survival is the most important thing. You have a right to choose the defence strategy that feels safest. You may choose to comply (compliance is not the same as consent). You may choose to run away if possible. You may choose to resist verbally or physically.
Research shows that women who do resist an attack by a stranger or acquaintance are more likely to avoid being assaulted, but there are no guarantees.
Self defence is about making active choices to survive a situation. If you are assaulted, it is not your responsibility.
You may decide to get out of the situation, or to stay with the support of friends, or the protection of the police.
TALK TO SOMEONE YOU TRUST
Keep on talking to people until you receive appropriate support.
Remember: her violence is her responsibility
TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS
Listen to what your body is saying - butterflies in your stomach, sweaty palms, shaking,
goosebumps, feeling sick and dizzy etc.
These may be warning signs that you are not feeling safe in a situation. You're not being paranoid or irrational.
DO WHAT YOU NEED TO IN ORDER TO SURVIVE
Your survival is the most important thing. You have a right to choose the defence strategy that feels safest.
When the woman abusing you is your partner, you may feel that your choices for self defence are limited because you share a home. You may feel that resisting verbally or physically may make the situation worse.
If you are living with an abusive partner, leaving might be the safest choice. It may also be the hardest.
TALK TO SOMEONE YOU TRUST
This could be a friend, or a worker from one of the services listed in this booklet.
You don't have to go through this alone - you have the right to support.
PRACTICAL OPTIONS You may wish to consider the following strategies: Carry or keep hidden spare money, spare clothes, car keys, important numbers. Change your phone number and/or get an answering machine if you are being harassed over the phone. Change locks. Have places to go that you know are safe e.g. a friend's house, a women's shelter.
MEDICAL OPTIONS
If you have been assaulted by a woman, you have the right to use the Sexual Assault
Medical Service at the Royal Hobart Hospital. The Sexual Assault Support Service (S.A.S.S.)
will be contacted, and a worker called in. You do not have to see the worker if you do not want to.
A rostered doctor will be called to see you. You have a right to request a female doctor. She will be
able to examine you for injuries and record them if you wish to report the crime.
If you have been physically assaulted you can report to the Department of Emergency Medicine, (D.E.M.), of the nearest hospital. You can call an ambulance if you have been seriously injured. If you are not seriously injured you may prefer to see your own doctor.
LEGAL OPTIONS
You can contact the police if you are in danger and require protection. If you have been the victim
of assault, you have the option of reporting the crime to the police. You may wish to have a support
person with you during this process. (This could be a friend or a worker from a relevant service.)
A restraint order can be taken out against someone who has harmed you, if you believe that there is a risk that they will harm you again. This can be done by the police or by a lawyer, or by yourself for a small charge. When taking out a restraint order you do not have to disclose the nature of your relationship to the abuser.
If a woman tells you that she has been abused by another woman
DO
DON'T
If you are worried about a woman's safety - tell her
If you witness behaviour you believe is violent or abusive
Support the right for all lesbians and bisexual women to live in safety.