SUPPORTING A WOMAN
If a women tells you she is in a violent relationship, you are in a strong position to help her.
Positive, informed assistance can make all the difference to her attempts to change what is often an intolerable situation for her and her children. It is essential that the people she consults are familiar with all aspects of the problem and do not subscribe to the myths and prejudices which are common in the community. Some members of the helping professions, by not recognizing the problem or by responding inappropriately, may in fact make the situation worse. Such responses are frequently based on misconceptions about why a woman stays in a violent relationship. Many people feel:
Women cite many reasons for returning to a violent relationship- and one reason could be the reception they had when they sought help. People who have been constantly abused are often isolated and lose confidence in their ability, indeed their right to escape from a violent relationship. If after plucking up the courage to seek help, a woman's situation is disbelieved or trivialized, or if she is referred to inappropriately, she may never seek help again. You can give positive assistance by believing her and accepting her distress. Reassure her that it is the abuser who is responsible for the abuse, has a problem and that no-one deserves or has to put up with such treatment.
DO ensure her immediate safety.
She may not be able to talk or think clearly if she is afraid. Explore ways to maximize her safety, whether she
stays in the relationship, or leaves.
DO believe her.
She is far more likely to minimise the problem, than to dramatise it.
DO recognize her need for a positive response and support.
Even if there is nothing practical that you can do immediately, listening is important.
DO be sensitive to and discuss her fears about approaching the police or social service agencies.
She may have never approached anyone before. Or she may have sought help so many times that she is hesitant to do so
yet again!
DO make sure that she knows how to contact the police and local women's shelters.
She can talk to the workers even if she decides not to move in. Many will offer to accompany her to court etc if
this becomes necessary. Help her to contact the Domestic Violence Crisis
Service or SHE. They will give her up-to-date information and support, whether she is
in a crisis situation or she just wants to talk about her options.
DO reinforce that we all have a right to live free from violence.
No-one should have to live with violence in their own home. Violence is not an appropriate way to communicate
within a relationship. There are more effective and acceptable ways to resolve problems.
DO reassure her that the violence her partner commits is his responsibility.
He should not blame her for his actions. He is the only one who has control over his behaviour.
DO remember that if she is from a minority ethnic group, her problems could be compounded by racist reactions, language and cultural barriers, or fragile immigration status.
DO check if it will be safe to contact her at home.
Should it become necessary to do so, respect her wishes if she does not want you to make any contact. Her
partner is unlikely to know that she has been to see you about the abuse and is even less likely to take kindly to such contact.
DO find out what she wants to do and see if you can help her achieve it.
Consult with specialist agencies or individuals. Check what they can offer. Inaccurate advice can increase her danger.
Take personal responsibility for referring her appropriately. Remember that she may prefer to speak with another woman.
DON'T ask her what she did to provoke the violence.
If you do you are implicitly condoning the abuse. Do not accept provocation as an excuse for abuse and violence.
DON'T make decisions for her.
It's is up to her to decide if she wants to leave the relationship or give is another try. By all means discuss her options,
but leave her to decide what is best for her situation.
DON'T suggest that she should 'try again'.
She has probably been doing that for a long time now. Once violence has become part of a relationship, it will
not go away. There is a lot of evidence to show that the abusive incidents will increase in severity and become more frequent over time.
DON'T suggest a combined interview.
It is not safe, and she and the children may feel too threatened to speak freely in the presence of her assailant, and
responsibility for the violence can become lost in justifications. If she does speak out, the repercussion afterwards may be serious.
DON'T expect her to make binding decisions in a hurry.
Many women say that they wish to stay with their partner, and that they only want the violence to stop. The
decision making process can be assisted by your patient long term support and
encouragement. It may take years for a woman to make a final decision to leave.
DON'T pass on information about her new home to anyone, if she has left home already, without
her specific permission.
It may be tempting to act in the role of go-between. It will not help. It may increase her problems and put her
and her children at greater risk.
DO ask her questions which give her the chance to open up if she wants to.
If she still says that her injuries were caused by accident, all you can do is to indicate that you would be willing to discuss other
possibilities, in confidence if she wishes, if there is anything of concern bothering her in the relationship.
DO be on the the look out for signs of depression and anxiety which may indicate long
term emotional or psychological abuse.
There is a growing body of evidence to show that non-physical abuse can have as equally devastating effects as
physical assault. These include loss of self esteem, confidence and social
isolation as well as the more obvious indicators such as depression. She may
tell you about something completely different such as her child's behavioural
problems for instance. These too many be related to stress and anxiety,
resulting from the abuse in the family.
DO ask direct questions about her circumstances, as sensitively as possible.
She may not have had the confidence to talk to anyone before who has believed her story, and it may be a relief to
her just to verbalize it. However, be sensitive to her embarrassment, and don't push too hard.
DO respect her decision to remain silent.
But be observant for the occasion on which she may change her mind.
DON'T ignore your intuition!
DO tell him that assault, whether it is carried out in the street, or in the home, is a criminal offence.
DO try to get him to take responsibility for his actions.
Only he can control what he does.
Do find out about local groups working with men who wish to overcome their abusive behaviour and refer him to them.
DON'T get involved on his justifications for his actions.
Most importantly, DON'T let him blame her for the abuse. He chose to do it.
DON'T let him know where she is.
She will contact him if she is ready. It is better not to let him know that you know her whereabouts
(if you do). This avoids a lot of futile discussions which can mask the real
problem. You are in a position to assert that abuse in relationships is
unacceptable. Support to the survivors and ensuring their safety is of prime
importance. If children are at risk DO notify appropriate
authorities. Remember that the safety of women and children is paramount
and this concern must underpin your work.
Domestic Violence Crisis Service
Free Call 1800 633 937
(Hobart, Launceston, Burnie).
Police Emergency
Free Call 000
S.H.E:
(03) 6278 9090
Southern TAS
SURVIVORS:
(03) 6334 0305
Northern TAS
Non-crisis support for women in, and from abusive relationships
STOP VIOLENCE AGAINST WOMEN
Prepared by Domestic Violence
Action Group Inc
Pamphlet funded by
Department of community and
Health Services Tasmania
July 1998
The Language in this pamphlet reflects that the majority of survivors of domestic violence are women